Managing your manager
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It might seem strange to talk about ‘managing your manager’. After all, they are paid to manage you, right? But good working relationships go both ways. Although your manager has a responsibility to support you, they also need your support and you can’t expect them to know what style of management works best for you unless you tell them.

There is no one ‘right’ way to manage individuals. Whether you have a great manager already, you’re about to report into someone new or you are having trouble with a manager who doesn’t seem to be interested in your needs, this guide will help you to build the foundations for a healthy relationship - or at the very least help you to keep up your end of the bargain.

You can also find out more about building great, trusted relationships at work here.

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R.E.S.P.E.C.T
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Gone are the days of command and control style leadership - or at least, we hope this is the case for you! You do not have to blindly kowtow to the whims of your boss. Good working relationships are based on trust and respect and no one wins respect by barking orders at people. Equally, respect from your manager won’t be earned if you simply follow orders or take none of your own initiative.

The goal for a healthy manager / direct report relationship is to create mutual respect. This requires you to share your opinions, offer your suggestions, take ownership of the work you do and be comfortable with a level of autonomy. There will be times when you have to just do what your boss wants of you but, generally speaking, there should always be room within your relationship for discussion and the sharing of ideas and perspectives.

But how do you drive this when you are not the one ‘in control’? By believing that you are in control, firstly. At least, in control of your own career. A really simple way to get things going in the right direction is to make sure that you have regular catch-ups with your manager and that you prioritise them. If you already have these booked in, great! Make sure that you actively contribute to the agenda. Ideally, these catch-ups should be led by you but you may need to agree this with your manager if this needs to be reset.

If you don’t have regular catch-ups then you need to ask for them. Regular communication creates trust and allows you to communicate with your manager on a more personal level. You have the opportunity to share concerns, successes and ask for and give feedback. In addition to regular catch-ups, which can be quite transactional, you should be able to request less regular (perhaps quarterly or half-yearly) development or career conversations. Your manager needs to know what your aspirations and longer term goals are so that they can support you accordingly.

The bottom line here is that to create a culture of mutual respect within your relationship, you need to own it. Don’t wait for your manager to come to you. If you are worried about approaching your manager with these suggestions, remember that you are doing them a favour. Regular catch ups with you means they will have more of a handle on the work that is being done and where they can draw on your skills and expertise to support the whole team.

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Thinking more clearly
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In the 1950s, psychiatrist Eric Berne, introduced a theory he called ‘Transactional Analysis’, to explain the ways people communicate with each other.

One of the most useful aspects of the theory is centred around the idea that you have communication ‘states’ that impact the figurative position you put yourself in, in certain relationships.

Berne suggests that there are three main states that we communicate from: parent, adult and child.

Parent: you assume a higher status than the person you are communicating with. You can either be a ‘nurturing parent’ - benevolent and supportive but also potentially suffocating and infantilising. Or, you can be a ‘critical parent’ - domineering and controlling.

‍Adult: you assume the same status as the person you are communicating with. You respect their opinion and respond to the cues they offer in a measured and fair way.

‍Child: you assume a lower status than the person you are communicating with. You can either be an ‘adapted child’ - conforming and dutiful but also passive and potentially meek. Or, a ‘free child’ - spontaneous and playful but have a tendency to be disrespectful and petulant.

The state you communicate from will depend on your life experience and your perception of yourself in relation to the person you are interacting with. But, it can also be influenced by the state of the other person too. So, for example, if someone assumes a parental tone with you, you are more likely to be triggered to respond as a child. Once you respond this way, the other person will be compelled to maintain the parental position.

Our states are also influenced by the assumed authority or power of the other person, in relation to ourselves. In a manager / direct report relationship the manager has the ‘formal’ or assumed power. It can be easy to assume a childlike state even if our manager isn’t communicating to us in a parental way. This immediately creates inequality in a relationship and makes mutual trust hard to achieve.

Take some time to reflect on your relationship with your manager. What state do you assume both before, during and after an interaction with them? What state do they assume during a typical interaction with you? What is working well and what is potentially detrimental to your relationship?

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Being an adult

The ideal state for any relationship is adult to adult communication. This is really the only way that true trust and respect is built. Of course there may be times when you each communicate in different, less desirable, states - this is what makes you human - but generally, being able to get back to the adult / adult level is the key to a happy and productive relationship with your manager; or anyone, to be honest.

So, how do you do it? Well, seeking this as a consistent state was Berne’s life’s work so it’s not always easy! But, here are some tips to help you to achieve this more of the time, even if their state is parental or child-like:

Suspend judgement. It can be easy to react in judgement but remaining open to the other person’s perspective will help you to react in a measured, logical and therefore more adult way.

Empathise. Show that you have heard what the other person is saying and that you understand (even if you don’t agree). For example, ‘I hear what you’re saying, that sounds difficult / challenging / great / useful etc.’

Ask questions and listen to the answers. Being curious about the other person’s perspective is a great way to create an adult level conversation.

Avoid emotive language. Try to use words that encourage level conversation and if you share feelings always attribute them to yourself and not the other person. For example, ‘When you do this, I feel…’ rather than ‘You make me feel this when you do that.’

Breathe. When you are faced with parental or childlike communication you will have an emotional response. Override this by taking time to reflect properly on what the other person has said before you formulate a response, rather than immediately reacting.
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The importance of feedback

Encouraging a culture of openness and honesty is a great way to build a strong relationship with your manager. Even if you have never received any feedback from them, it’s not too late to reset this. Try asking your manager for feedback and, crucially, tell them how you would like it to be delivered. If they know this, they are more likely to willingly offer feedback and you are less likely to have a negative reaction. For example, if you really love getting feedback and you need regular affirmation or if you hate feedback and you only want it when absolutely necessary then, tell them. You will make their lives a lot easier if you do and your relationship with them will benefit.

When you receive feedback, make sure that you acknowledge it. If you don’t agree with it then share your view (don’t seethe in private), remembering the adult / adult communication states. Feedback is someone else’s perspective and it’s an important part of a manager’s responsibility. If you have taken the feedback on board and have changed or continued to do something, make sure that you share this with your manager. Don’t assume that they will notice - again, take ownership of your relationship with them.

Don’t shy away from giving feedback to your manager. They are not above it just because they are your boss, feedback is useful for everyone. As long as you seek their permission, offer it appropriately and make sure you deliver it in a way that suits their personality then this will only serve to strengthen your relationship.

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In summary...

Take the lead! Don’t wait for your manager to dictate how they will manage you. This is a mutually beneficial relationship that should be based on trust and respect. Make your opinion known, respect their opinion and ask for what you need - giving them feedback to show gratitude or express the need for more support.

Think about how you approach the relationship with your manager. Are you communicating in a parental, childlike or adult state and what are they doing? Try some of the communication tips to bring your interactions back to adult / adult more of the time.

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